I’ve been struggling with my roles lately. I’m not sure what my function is now that I no longer have kids at home. On the one hand, I am still me. I’m still a mom. I’m also a wife and a grandmother. I’m an employee and when I’m at work, I don’t really think of myself in terms of being a wife and mother. I’m just a worker. Lately, I feel more comfortable at work than anywhere. It’s not because I love my job. It’s because I know exactly what my place is at my job. When I am working, I know exactly what to do and when to do it.
But when I’m not working, I’m not sure what my true purpose is. I’m not satisfied with the few menial tasks I do at home. My writing has somehow fizzled out. I’m not sure why. Some of it has to do with the avenues I once wrote for have dwindled. Some of the publishing places have closed. Guardian Angel Kids has gone from a monthly ezine to a bi-montly ezine. I’m at a loss to know how to proceed with my book and all of the remaining publishers I formerly looked to just don’t interest me anymore. Most of the time I’m just too tired to write anyway.
So, what am I now? Am I still a writer when I’m not really writing? Am I still a parent when I’m not really parenting most of the time? I’ve begun to realize that I identified myself by these things I did, and now that I no longer do them, I don’t feel like I’m much of a person anymore. I feel like I’m nothing. A Hollow. A Shell.
When I was young, I used to feel as if I was invisible. I would go to school and few people would ever talk to me. I would hear other kids talking around me and even sharing their innermost secrets right around me without even noticing I was there. To them, I wasn’t there. I was a nobody that didn’t factor into their lives. At work this week, I remarked that when people were absent, they were talked about more and I said I realized they probably talked about me when I wasn’t there and my co-worker said, no you’re pretty boring. We don’t really talk about you.
So maybe I’m still invisible. I guess I can be thankful I matter to God. I may not be sure of who I am right now here on this planet, but I am sure I’m a child of God. So for now I’ll focus on finding Him. When I find Him, maybe I’ll find myself, too.