Writing Wins and Woes: Krampus

Two Christmases ago, I entered a contest at Enchanted Conversation that was held in celebration of a new book they had coming out filled to the brim with Krampus stories. Well, I’m excited to announce that Enchanted Conversation  now has a new book out chock full of brand new Krampus stories, just in time for the holidays. What’s Krampus, you ask? Some people are still unaware, despite last year’s poor grossing movie, that there is a Christmas character named Krampus, who is the polar opposite of Santa Claus. In fact, he deals directly with Santa’s naughty list. He is a very evil character who looks a bit demonic who is known for capturing and whipping all the bad children at Christmas time. So you better watch out! Don’t worry. It’s all in fun. Snag your copy of Krampus stories by following the link I included in my blog just above. And if you click on the above link for Enchanted Conversation, you can enter to win a free copy of the book. Bonus! Score!

In honor of the whole Christmas Krampus thing, I am posting the story I wrote for the 2014 contest, “Interviewing Krampus”. It wasn’t a winner, but remains one of my favorite humorous stories that I have written. Read on and be good.

Interviewing Krampus

Santa lifted his foot with the gouty toe up onto the chair next to him and groaned. He shifted his weight carefully so as to ease the pain. He fiddled with his spectacles and examined the resume. He cleared his throat.

“Of course you realize this job requires quite a lot of deliveries on one night.”

Krampus nodded. His horns clacked together when he bobbed his head. “Yes, yes. I’ve been doing the same routine myself for years. So many nasty children around.”

Santa frowned. “I have a list. There are actually quite a lot of children on the nice list.”

Krampus laughed. He lifted his wine glass to his nose and savored the aroma. Then he drank. “Yeah, I’ll bet those parents paid a pretty penny to get the names of their bratty kids transferred. Not that you’re at fault here, Red, but some of your elves…well, you know what I’m saying.”

Santa took a bite of his Seafood Alfredo. “My elves have always come with the highest of recommendations.”

“Of course they have. Mommies always give their kids high fives, don’t they? And Santa, confidentially, you’ve always been known as an old softie. I think a pair of fresh eyes on that list might be prudent.” Krampus took another gulp of wine and sighed. “This is darn good stuff. All mine comes in a box. Better yet a keg.”

Santa grimaced as he shifted his foot. “The doctor says if I could stay off the rich food, but oh well…What do you have in mind for these children?”

Krampus stroked his chin. “It’s true I beat their butts, but not that hard. No child has ever needed medical intervention. I use softwood, Santa, not hardwood. Sure, they cry out but kids are all about drama. Ask anybody.”

Santa’s toe throbbed. “It’s the stress of the Christmas season. I try to be fair but there are always complaints. We do have a toy shop, you know. The kids expect toys.”

“I’ll throw in some toys. But you don’t really believe kids are all nice, do you? No kid’s 100% nice. Not even 50% nice. If you want fair, give them all a beating, and a consolation prize. That’s what I say.” He took another swig of wine.

“That stuff about you stuffing kids in a sack, that’s not true, is it?” Santa winced.

“What would I want with a sack full of kids? Kids are loud, obnoxious and annoying. A bunch of kids all bawling for their moms? No sir, I got no need for a sack of rotten kids. Beat and run. That’s what I do. Beat and run.”

Santa cleared his throat. “But you’ll deliver the gifts, right? I want to be clear on that.”

Krampus raised a hand. “Waiter! More wine. Yeah, I’ll deliver the goods.”

“No drinking and driving, Krampus.”

“Really? And you’re telling me that red nose and rosy cheeks came from the cold, huh? And what about Rudolf? I’m sure he’s got a snoot full. Whatever! I’ll try to keep it under the legal limit. I’m pretty sure those reindeer drive themselves. Am I hired or what?”

“You’re hired. Now, where’s that dessert menu?”

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